THIS IS NOT A TEST!
Coronavirus is storming across the planet, killing the elderly and the weak. Infecting every Tom, Idris and Harvy! AKA: the nicest man alive, the sexiest man alive and the #Metoo poster boy! Shutting down businesses and countries; and most terrifying, for all the single ladies–it literally slammed the doors on your love and dating life!
And if you were not dating before we all started social distancing, this stay in the house order has now dotted that “i” in single and made us unmarried women come to the unsettling reality–that we’re so freakin’ alone.
Please know that you are not by yourself; I’m a party of one as well–eating every 2.5 hours, declaring at 11:38 am it used to be happy hour somewhere, and binging on bad t.v.
Moreover, now that we’ve all been ordered to self-imposed house arrest, it seems as if the entire planet has decided to get inventive and have virtual happy hours, patio parties, DJ’s going InstaLive on the one’s and two’s, celebs putting on mini concerts, and (Fashion Gods, please make them stop), sending out bad Tik Tok videos.
Well…that’s all fine and dandy, plus entertaining–but can I share a secret? I want someone to figure out a way for me to have sex!
Stay with me Mrs. …um, more like-Miss Parker.
You can keep your virtual hugs, I need a Doug, a Tony or a Brad…this is the “pitts” (I wish) 😘!!
At this point (5 days in), I’ve re-read hi-lighted passages from all my spiritual books, ( I promise you my soul is straight), watched videos from my favorite female gurus: Glennon Doyle, Oprah and Marie Forleo (who by the way, ALL have partners), about how to cope and smile through these trying times, played with my “pet rabbit” and worked out once. I really don’t care if that bag of chocolate settles on my hips–at least something is.
Additionally, I’m well aware that I could be much more subtle about this; use metaphors or some fancy word play-but why? I’m a grown woman. A grown SINGLE woman, who’s experiencing the second scariest event of the 21st century by herself. The first was 9/11; now I’m stuck in the house 24/7 and once again, I’m having to talk my drunken self off the ledge.
My ex’s and this thing called love, have really bad timing…you picked a fine time to show your ass and I had to leave you _________!
Am I the only one who feels like this is the end of the world? If so, it would’ve been wonderful to have that Titanic type relationship and love…where my heart will go on after my man dies. But before this all ends, I’d simply like to have someone to get it on with! (And unlike selfish ass Rose, I would share the last of whatever I had; in this case, the last N95 mask, if that meant my man would survive-but I digress).
So if I had I-might-be-dying wish list, it would be:
Someone to hold.
Someone to kiss.
Someone to scour the internet with for toilet tissue, hand sanitizer and Clorox wipes.
Someone to cook for…Ramen noodle gourmet meals three times a day.
Someone to tell me: “Everythang’s gon be alright baby…I gotchu!”
I’ll cherish the man that’s been wearing his musty favorite team jersey for a week now, because he’s longing to watch sports; and his only sports relief, is to track the number of professional athletes with the virus–but, he’s willing to binge watch HGTV with me. A man who still tells me I’m cute; even though I have a chipped manicure and in desperate need of a pedicure, and when I haven’t bothered to put on makeup or dress up since I got the word to work from home.
But most of all, that special someone, who’s here…with me.
Lastly, I know some of you will think I’m being shallow…slutty…vulgar. As Roberta Flack says in a song: “There’s more to love than making love…”
Yeah well, it’s all fun & games until a killer virus takes hold of the planet!
So let me remind you, she also has a song titled: I feel like makin’ love. And she’s worse than me–she wants to do her man after walkin’ in the park, watching winter turn to spring!
Hell, I’m only this horny due to a pandemic–HELLO!!!
I view this as simply being honest. And to be very clear, I want to make love to someone I care about–not some random dude. I want to find my Jack and be his Rose…and thorn in his side after spending way too much time together. But we make up by gratifying ourselves with the sweetest afternoon delight.
Finally, I wish I could end this with some positive news and say this will all end soon–but no one knows.
Therefore single ladies, why not watch every romantic movie and television series with the most sex scenes you can, ( I highly recommend Scandal). I myself, have been indulging in delicious nightly threesomes with my friends Mike & Ike; and sometimes with these other hippy fellas from Vermont: Ben & Jerry. They all are the sweetest guys.😜 But if that’s not your thang, stay in constant contact with family and friends and try not to substitute flamin’ hot Cheetos (all that finger licking), for human touch.
Because what I know for sure, if this goes past April, I’m gonna need more wine & batteries.
p.s. And let me just state for the record: If Aliens decide to land on planet Earth and I’m still single, my neighbors to the right of me will be getting a call; move over sweetie–I’m joining in!