I will admit, this sounds a little archaic; except, this is about seeming to follow your man. But, by acquiescing, you allow your man to think he’s in control by taking the lead in the outside world; you lead the way where it really counts—in his heart.
So many women think it’s just the opposite. And wonder why their dating lives stall and putter out (usually six months in), yet with different guys.
Then they wanna get all in their feelings and make grand statements to everyone near and far, at church or at a bar, that ain’t no man gon tell them what to do!
Good luck with that sista.
A lot has been said lately about “leaning in.” And if you haven’t been living under a rock since 2013, a certain Facebook executive wrote an entire book on leaning in. I’m all about taking the lead in your career; but in terms of your relationship with your man and in the words of Fat Joe, “Lean back.”
Especially 30-50 something women.
We’ve been checking that head of household box, voting in record numbers, buying homes and raising babies on our own, that some of us have forgotten how to take a backseat when it comes to dating.
As a writer, I’ve had to take jobs as a hostess and as a bartender. I cannot tell you how often I see women snatch the reins from their men and take control. It seems so natural to them; I don’t think they have a CLUE to what they’re doing and the message that’s being sent.
While hostessing, I’ve seen women walk right in, ask for a table for two and proceed to demand why the couple with the crying kids got sat before them, after they’ve been waiting for an hour. All the while, dude is on his phone scrolling through Instagram, letting her lead the way…lead him.
Or while at said restaurant, when something goes nastily array with their food, she not him, is the one being belligerent, rolling her neck and telling the manager what he ain’t gon do, demanding their money back.
Most recently while bar-tending, I had a thirty-something girl walk up to the bar with tip in hand (signaling to me: she got this), cockily throw down five single dollar bills, orders brown liquor for herself and then turns to her date and asks him what he’s drinking. Relays his fruity drink order to me and proceeds to pay with her credit card.
I get it, we pride ourselves on being strong. But sometimes we must be strong enough to show weakness.
And by weak, allow yourself to be vulnerable. According to Oprah’s favorite guest and best-selling author of Daring Greatly, Dr. Brene Brown says, “Vulnerability is basically uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.”
· Let him order.
· For the love of Mary–LET HIM PAY!
· Let him open doors.
· Let him deal with all those big bad wolves and bad service.
· Let your man save the day for you.
Employ the lyrics from the song Love of my life, by Erykah Badu: “You be boy and I’ll be girl…”
Yeah…what she said. Do that shit.
Stop leading in the beginnings of courtship:
· Don’t call him to ask for dates. Trust me, you never have to remind a guy that it’s Friday.
· Don’t text him just to say hi or even send an emoji.
· Don’t poke, friend request, DM or follow him on social media or dating sight.
· Don’t initiate sex first.
· Don’t “treat” him to a vacation. Dinner. New clothes.
· Don’t co-sign on anything: bad behavior, a new car, treatment of his ex.
· Don’t correct him/over talk him in public.
· Don’t tell him how to drive…in what lane…at what speed.
· Don’t fight his battles for him.
· Don’t try to change him.
If you find yourself doing any of these or you feel like the man in your relationship-this is not a good sign. A strong woman needs an even stronger man. I promise, you’ll start to resent him for being so-called “weak” and he WILL at some point, exert his manhood. He’ll start to see you as being bossy. And you both will start to refer to one another as a Bitch!
But with very different connotations.
In the end, a good relationship is like dancing: only one can lead; someone must follow.
According to dance expert, Kate Swanson, “Lead and follow” is the secret to getting two partners dancing smoothly together. It’s simply impossible for two people, dancing in close contact, to move seamlessly if each person is making their own decisions, choosing their own timing and doing their steps independently. They must coordinate their moves perfectly—and the only way to achieve that is for one person to direct the moves and the other person to follow…obviously, the person who should lead is the person who can see where they’re going…politically incorrect though it may be, usually that’s the man.
Ladies, forget standing by your man…stand behind your man.
The Ms. Heel💋
You can follow her on ig @VeliciaHill